Make Sex Inclusive: How to think outside the binary in the bedroom

Some traditions are great. Getting flowers on Valentine’s Day or enjoying the first slice of cake on your birthday are always fun. But when it comes to getting intimate, some traditional mindsets might just be holding you back.

Thinking outside the box (and old-school binary constructs) is vital in this day and age. However you identify, being informed and open-minded towards sex is not only healthy for your potential partners, but also for you too.

What does it mean to identify as non-binary?

Growing up, we’re often taught to think of people as either male or female. However, for some people, this just doesn’t represent how they feel and identify. Take for example, someone who has a gender that blends different facets of being a man or a woman. Rather than feeling comfortable being represented by the term male or female, they might identify independently of these terms, or as non-binary.

People are diverse and should be able to choose how they want to represent themselves. For that reason, there are quite a few different terms by which people, who do not identify as male or female, can describe themselves. Non-binary is one of the most popular, but there are also people who prefer agender or genderqueer. These terms aren’t interchangeable, instead they all refer to the specific experience of the person using them.

What does non-binary mean when it comes to sex?

The experiences of people who identify as neither male nor female vary, much like the intimate experiences of anyone else. In fact, this question really suggests people might be overthinking it.

What do you do when you are first intimate with any parter? Communicate. No matter who you’re with and how they identify, communication is always key.

Everyone likes different things in the bedroom, and one person’s ultimate turn on might be another person’s complete no-go. By being open and direct from the start, celebrating intimacy with a partner is a much smoother journey.

My experience with non-binary intimacy

Shawn, 27

“I realized I was genderqueer just after college. While the way I present myself to the outside world has changed, I am still with my girlfriend from my freshman year. It might surprise people but our relationship kind of flourished after I became more open and accepting of my own identity. My girlfriend has been really supportive and, although our sex life changed a bit, we both agree we feel more comfortable and happy with each other than ever before.”

Paris, 42

“Coming out as non-binary was a huge relief. There are still silly everyday things where I feel the world is still catching up with me though. Dating platforms have only recently become more flexible with how you identify yourself, but that was a big step, for sure. And it makes things clearer with dates from the start. I introduce myself as I am and so far, I’ve only had good experiences.”

Julie, 23

“I labeled myself as a tomboy when I was younger, but then over time I have read so much about gender identity that it eventually became clear that I just don’t fit either box. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, but now I am dating and loving it. My number one rule is making sure there is always a dialogue during sex, especially during the first few times I hook up with someone.”

Ditch the old-school thinking AND the old-school toys!

As mentioned, there is a slight chance of overthinking things when it comes to getting intimate with a non-binary partner, or when you yourself don’t identify as male or female. By simply discussing what you like and being open about what feels good and what doesn’t, it should be relatively smooth sailing in bed.

The same is true for toys. Once you know what sensitive spots you’d like to focus on, you can narrow down the options for what toy suits you. For example, wands are a popular choice, because they can be used all over the body and have a variety of intensity levels.